We Are Family

I was always nervous to invite friends over to my home as a child. Our home provided all that we needed, but it was modest. My mom struggled with mental illness, and while she was fine with us having friends over, it was hard to predict what the day would be like. I was never really sure I could trust these precious—and what felt like fragile—relationships to our home environment. For that reason, I opften found myself headed to friends’ houses. While they were all wonderful, I remember a few where I never felt like a guest or a burden. I entered their doors and was just another child—another sibling—and part of the family.

When I met my husband, I saw that this was something his family did well, and that his dad in particular did quite effortlessly. Everyone was welcome around their table, and there was almost never a holiday meal without some newly invited guest who had been welcomed to join the family celebration. It not have to be planned, it did not have to be a grand meal, that was not the point. The point was that they were welcomed and wanted to attend.

Early in our marriage, we decided we would have an open-door, open-table policy. I have often said, “I would rather have a messy, full house than a clean, empty one.” Then we practiced and modeled that as best we could for our children. We started a tradition called “Feasting with Friends,” which involved intentionally inviting people over for dinner. We hosted events, and as my husband’s family had always done, anyone who needed a table for any occasion was welcome.

As the kids grew and formed friendships, we always made it clear that their friends were welcome in our home. We wanted them to know they could trust their precious, and potentially fragile, friendships with us. I often wonder if parent realize what it means when their child asks to have a friend over? Do they realize the trust that is being extended in that moment? It is a humble honor that your child feels you are safe and trustworthy enough to invite a friend—an outsider—into your home.

When Jesus walked this earth, He did not simply invite the disciples to learn from Him—He invited them to do life with Him (John 15:5) It is important, I think (especially in the teen years), to treat every invite over as an opportunity to demonstrate the practical love of Jesus to all who enter your home. As parents, we need to try to treat every friend and every interaction as though we are welcoming them into the family. Make room at the table, and make things they will specifically like. Learn their name and their story. Offer the same patience, grace, and care you would offer your own child. Strive to make your home a place where young people feel seen, safe, and loved—not because they have earned it, but because they are loved…after all, this is how Christ loved us. (1 Peter 4:8-9)

This requires a few things of us. It requires time, energy, and patience. Perhaps the most challenging obstacle for parents is their schedule. In order to invite, invest in, and connect with guests in your home, you need to be home. It will be tempting to feel too busy or too tired to engage in the lives of your children’s peers in this way, but like so many things, if you determine this is beneficial, you need to intentionally move toward a lifestyle that fosters this value. This can become even more challenging as children grow into their teen years. You may begin to assume they are fine on their own and stop making an effort to be present when their friends come over. While it is natural for older children to have greater autonomy and privacy, you may be surprised by what a few minutes of intentional connection can accomplish. A warm greeting, offering snacks when they emerge, or taking a moment to say goodbye as they head out can all plant meaningful relational seeds.

We have tried to practice this not only by regularly making space, but also by just “being normal” when people come. We do not behave any differently around the table when friends come than when we are alone. We do not make exceptionally fancy food. We all eat around the table—siblings and all. We laugh and chat and engage as we always do. We serve together, we clean up together, we pray together, and we often continue our family tradition of going around the table with our “Highs and Lows,” inviting friends to join in.

I sincerely believe the next generation is looking for love, truth, and community more than they are looking for a performance—the Church is uniquely positioned to provide all three of those things…and demonstrating them can start in our homes.

We pray regularly for the Lord to bring people through our door that we can invite into the family, and He has been faithful.

We may never know how God will use a simple conversation, a shared meal, or a warm welcome to shape a child’s life. When we love our children’s friends well, we reflect the generous heart of Jesus and show them what it looks like to belong.

Recently, we had the privilege of having one of our kids’ friends stay with us for almost a whole week. What was supposed to be a weekend trip to the cottage, because of a bunch of unexpected circumstances, turned into something much longer. My heart broke when my eldest called me to tell me that a complication had arisen and that our friend needed a place to stay a little longer—and that they were worried we would be angry. I knew this response was not about us…but my heart was so heavy that they did not know what it meant to feel loved as we tell our kids, “No. Matter. What.”

So they stayed, and for just shy of a week, in in that time they were treated like family. We tried to offer them the chance to see up close and personal what family can look like when Christ is at the center. None of it was planned. We had places to be, and on one night, we had already committed to hosting a barbecue for 40 people. But the Lord has over the years taight me to see this opportunity for what it was - nothing short of a privilege.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is to love their friends well—to make them feel welcome and to treat them like family. The Church should become known as a place where doors are open, tables are full, and love flows freely and this can start with you and the kids the Lord leads into your home through your very own children.

1 Peter 4:8-9: "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling."

John 15:5: “Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”